hello all.
so i finally broke down and removed the NexplanonTM implant in my left arm. 9 months of erratic, suicidal moodiness, inconsistent bleeding, and the most painful grating cramps of my life. i delved into some deeply scary episodes during this time–– of which i could contribute to my shitty apartment life, familial trauma, or being afraid of adulthood. but really: all of those things were bound to bubble up in my mind, but i do know that the way i've handled it has been completely unlike myself. i hadn't been so suicidal since middle school. that's when you know your hormones are fucked backwards–– i'm a goddamn young lady, not a pubescent rat with braces and glasses and a fat face. not that those things are bad, they're obvi neutral phenomenons alone. however, for me, they represent the beginning to my descent.
anyways, nexplanon brought my mental health into the sewers. at first i didn't recognize it (though looking back it's painfully obvious): the first 3 months i was super aggressive and on edge all the time. i was pissed off at everyone close to me, i wanted to run away to my college town and relive the oxytocin glories of my freshman year (note: she did not). my doctor told me "it'd be totally fine after 6 months smiley face heart emoji thumbs up #yougogirl". it wouldn't be until 5 months later, upon a meeting with my campus gyno, that i'd learn that was a TOTAL EFFING LIE
VERY HOT TAKE: i don't respect most doctors
*because most doctors in the U.S. managed to put themselves through med school not out of the goodness of their souls but out of the promises of elevating to the shiny threshold of "almost wealthy".
and the only good doctor i ever had in my life was my pediatrician who diagnosed my scoliosis. she was a licensed chiropractor so she'd give the spine a good ol crackin on my annual visit. i miss her. the other ones, well, i was a dumb idiot child. so of course i wasn't thinking critically about the reasons people go into the medical field and actually make it.
that's an aside. my gyno here is lovely. she was the first doctor who gave me the lowdown on what exactly is in BC pills (thus helping me resolve why i got acne all of a sudden with my first change of pill circa 2017, circuitously returning me to my OG birth control grail), told me the truth of nexplanon side effects (spoiler: they never go away) and said
"i really believe that birth control can be liberating for young people. but it's only liberating if you have agency over changing your mind. so we can get this out in the next day or two if you want. or, i can write you up a prescription that you'll pick up downstairs for 3 months of estrogen-progesterone pills."
ok. yasss. absolutely. that was 2ish months ago. i took up the offer on the doubling up–– which was nice because i had a double safety net. while my skin cleared up, my mental health was not.
last week i completed a 2 week manic depressive episode (where's my gold medal) and somehow averted offing myself. while my roommate's return from socal did lift my spirits, i reflected heavily on the last 9 months of my implant experience and decided: yeah, fuck this.
i nearly destroyed my whole life. i've expressed to my loved ones how deeply this shit was hurting me and how i knew it wasn't really me in my behavior. still, nobody really understands unless youre there living it. thank god for niche subreddits; without r/nexplanon i wouldve thought i was just living the worst year of my life for no good goddamn reason. i won't get into details about what exactly i considered doing–– just deleting my interpersonal relationships, doing risky activities, moping in bed all day, the uzje. it shocks me that i didn't go through with the former note, but maybe i was lucid enough still to understand that that would actually be the worst possible thing i could do to myself.
now here i am letting the novacaine wear off on my arm. it was a painless removal. something like a birth to an antichrist–– releasing the tiny little stick devil into the world and into the trash can. it's funny how something so small can do so much. warding off contraception is the least of it. i'll stay on the pill for the summer while my boyfriend goes back home and probably look into Skyla or some shit in september. according to My Queen Gyno, nexplanon is the leader of birth control side effects, being both the most extreme and turbulent.
farewell bitch!
crabgod
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